More to come...
This is isn't so much a rant but more like a "What the f...?" Judy and I stopped by a 7-11 one night in the hope they had a restroom she could use. We walked around and thought we saw the restroom door but were presented with a "Not a public restroom" sign. So, discouraged, we took a couple items to the counter and proceeded to checkout. That's when we saw "it". "It" weighed about 350 pounds, had patches of long, thin hair on its head, a mustache just a tad bit thicker than John Waters' and it had breasts - not moobs but actual titties. "It" spoke with a sweet, gravelly, raspy, but yet, kind of gurgly voice. A gentleman in front of us asked "it" if there was a restroom to which "it" replied "Yeah... that door in the back that says no public restroom, you can use that." "It" followed with "The sign's there cuz no one here wants to clean it but, I don't care, I let people use it."
The gentleman then went to the door only to immediately return stating the door was locked. "It" then said, "You can use any key you have on ya to unlock it, it's a dummy lock." "It" again repeated "We only do that cuz no one here wants to clean it." I looked at Judy and asked her if she still needed to use the restroom but she didn't seem too anxious at that time. "It" spoke again... "Yeah, I'll let people use the bathroom and they'll come and tell me someone made a mess in there and I tell 'em just spray some Lysol all over the bowl. Lysol won't hurt no one, just spray it on the seat, let it dry and sit down - it ain't gonna harm you." Remember that "it" had a mustache and titties? Mind you, Judy and I had long checked out by now but "it" wouldn't stop talking. "People'll come out of there an' say the bowl won't flush but I tell 'em it's just stuck. Just lift the lid and hook the li'l chain to the handle an' flush it. No one here wants to clean the bathroom, it ain't no big thing, I'll go in there every now and then an' just spray everything with Lysol." Remember that "it" weighed 350 pounds and had a mustache and titties? Spraying Lysol all over the toilet bowl and sitting on it may not hurt you but it may turn you into Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
I'm cruising along, taking the off-ramp, gliding around the curve and getting ready to merge into traffic when, "AHHHHHH!". What the? Why are you stopped?! You're in a merge lane!
Didn't everyone learn in driver's ed that a merge lane is for MERGING?! It's times like this that I pray for courtesy nudge legislation. "Let me help you along - BAM!" Or better yet, extremely sharp, front-end spike assisted nudging. Do you remember that scene from Death Race 2000 when the construction worker got speared? God what a great crappy movie that was.
Anyway, for those of you who don't know how to merge into traffic, do us all a favor and just give up the keys. Join all of your cell phone talking, no-turn-signal, 15 miles below the speed limit, smoke-screen producing, wrong-way driving, make-up applying, POS owning, high-beam flashing, broken brake light, gut thumping music playing, brake-happy, finger flipping friends and experience the wonderful world of public transportation.
My bad experience with Nextel started in 2004 when I had to acquire a Nextel phone for a job. Granted, Nextel was the only provider that offered unlimited incoming calls and of course the walkie-talkie feature was cool but, that's where the good points ended. Nextel had the absolute worst coverage of any service I had tried. At the time, I was servicing clients all around the Baltimore/Washington area and frequently traveled "business" routes to the client sites. I constantly lost connection in areas I didn't expect, such as, near the airport, MD route 100 and a 10 mile stretch near the Glen Burnie MVA. Not to mention, I could not get a single bar in my house in Carroll Island.
Long story short, when my contract was close to ending, I decided to contact Nextel to verify the anniversary date. Here is how that call basically went (true story):
Nextel: Nextel support, how can I help you?
Me: Hi, can you tell me when my current contract ends?
Nextel: February 2nd. Can I ask why you are inquiring?
Me: Yes, I'd like to switch service at that time.
Nextel: Is there any particular reason?
Me: Yes, your service basically sucks.
Nextel: Well Mr. Grannas, if you don't mind holding, I can get a technician on the line to see if we can address yo... ur... buzz, buzz, buzz... click.
Me: Hello?
Phone: ring...
Me: Hello?
Nextel: Mr. Gr... buzz, screach... ann... screach, buzz...
Me: Forget it. click.
Part I
All men know that if there are three urinals in the mensroom and two guys walk in, you each go the end-urinals and leave the middle one vacant. There exists an unwritten rule of "one urinal length" between occupants. This is impossible however, if there are only two urinals in the mensroom. If you find yourself in the awkward position of standing next to another man while occupying a urinal, please have the common courtesy of not playing your butt trumpet while you are both standing there. Have some consideration for your fellow man for crying out loud!
Part II
I know cell phones are a wonderful invention but, if we didn't have them, do you think that you would use a payphone to talk to a client while standing at the urinal? Come on now. Is the conversation that important that it can't be postponed for two minutes? Besides, if it is a really important client, do you think they want to hear the soothing sound of toilets flushing? And if it's a friend on the other line, well, that is kind of funny but, that's not the point.
Additionally, if you're on the phone so much that you require a wireless earpiece, don't look down while talking at the urinal. It makes me uncomfortable doing my business next to you because I think you're having a conversation with the little guy. That is of course after I get over the initial jealousy because mine never listens to me.
Part III
When standing at a urinal next
to me, keep your eyes on your own business. Don't look at me, don't glance in my
general direction, don't talk to me. The urinal is a "no talk" zone. Save your
conversation for the sink.
Likewise, if I'm in the stall next to you and you happen to recognize my shoes,
don't talk to me through the stall! The stall is a sanctuary and should be
treated like a place of worship - with peace and quiet and the occasional prayer
("Dear God" has been heard numerous times in the mensroom). If you start talking
to me, there might as well not be a wall between us. And if there's no wall, I
can't concentrate. And if I can't concentrate, I can't do my business. And if I
can't do my business, well let's just say it won't be pretty.
Let me start by saying that I absolutely LOVE Verizon Wireless' service. I can't praise there coverage enough, however, their billing department is less than desirable. I recently switched to Verizon (see Nextel) utilizing a company-sponsored discount. All I had to do was register via the "Employee Discounts" link off of Verizon Wireless' main web page. I submitted the required info and got a free phone, free shipping, $35 activation fee waived and a $39.99/month plan for $33.99/month.
A few days later I received my phone and was on my way. A few weeks later however, I received a bill with a rate of $39.99 and an additional charge of $35 for the activation fee. So, I called Verizon Wireless to inquire (warning - it's lengthy):
VZ: Verizon Wireless, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I signed up through your employee discount link and...
VZ: I'm sorry, did you say "employee discount link?"
Me: Yes
VZ: Can you give me the exact link you used?
Me: Sure, http://www.verizonwireless.com/ , then click on "Employee Discounts".
VZ: One second sir, my computer is having issues. Uh, OK, here we go... please hold.
Minutes later...
VZ: Uh sir, I'm sorry but, you're going to have to call our Internet sales division during their normal business hours.
1 day later...
VZ: Verizon Wireless, Internet sales, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I was not supposed to be charged the $35 activation fee and my bill is rated at $39.99 instead of $33.99.
VZ: No problem sir, I will credit your account for the $35 but, it usually takes one month for the $33.99 rate to actually show up on your account.
Me: What?
VZ: Sorry sir, but we are a separate division and it usually takes a month to process the discount.
Me: Well OK, thank you. (My time is worth more than six dollars)
One month later...
VZ: Verizon Wireless, can I help you?
Me: Yes, (it's a Saturday) I just received my bill and it still shows a $35 activation fee and a $39.99 rate.
VZ: How did you order your phone sir?
Me: Through your employee discounts link.
VZ: What was the link you used sir?
Me: Arrrghh, http://www.verizonwireless.com/ , then click on "Employee Discounts".
VZ: One second... Sir, I'm afraid there's no one here who can assist with this issue at the moment.
Me: Look, I called the Internet sales division last month. They said everything is fine on their end but that it takes a month to get to your end. I have a receipt with a confirmation number. Can't you just look up the confirmation number?
VZ: I'm sorry sir, I can't. But, if you fax it to me, I can verify the information and fix the problem on Monday. Send it "Attention: Steve..."
Me: Ok, thanks Steve.
The following Wednesday after noticing the online bill still reflected the additional charges...
VZ: Verizon Wireless, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I sent a fax to Steve on Saturday and my account is still not corrected.
VZ: One moment... I'm sorry but I don't see any reference to the fax. Can I have you resend the fax Attention Megan?
Me: Ok (sigh).
That Saturday...
VZ: Verizon Wireless, can...
Me: I sent a fax to Steve, then Megan but, my bill still reflects additional charges.
VZ: One moment... sir I'm sorry but I didn't see a reference to the faxes.
Me: What? Where are they going?
VZ: Well sir, they are received in another department. Then they are scanned in and emailed to us.
Me: You're kidding right?
VZ: No, I'm afraid not sir.
Me: Can I scan it and email it to you?
VZ: No, I'm afraid not sir.
Me: Look, I just want this issue resolved. Can I just give you the confirmation number on my receipt?
VZ: Can I have you fax the receipt to me sir?
Me: NO! I am not faxing another damn thing to your blackhole fax machine. I have a receipt with a confirmation number. This confirmation number was automatically generated when I submitted an order on your website. That means this confirmation number has to be in an electronic database somewhere. Someone has to be able to lookup this number in some database and confirm my information.
VZ: One moment please...
At this point, I feel I should be presented with a multiple choice question:
I have placed you on hold to:
1. Contact my supervisor 2. Go to the bathroom 3. Take a smoke break 4. Finish my game of solitaire
VZ: Hello sir?
Me: Yes?
VZ: Your account has been credited and the rate has been adjusted. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: Uh, no. Thanks.
VZ: Thank you for calling Verizon Wireless, have a good day.
I bought an HP computer a few years ago because Best Buy had a good deal (unusual, I know). Anyway, for the most part, I can't complain, it's been pretty reliable. There was one problem however, that has let me glance upon HP's tech support in a less-than-favorable nature. While under warranty, my computer started to freeze up spontaneuously. So as not to bore you (and lose you) with my meticulous troubleshooting technique, I determined the problem was a bad RAM chip. So I called HP to see if they could send me a replacement chip. Here's how that went:
HP: HP tech support, how may I help you?
Me: I have a bad RAM chip and would like to have it replaced.
HP: Can you verify it is actually the RAM chip that is bad?
Me: Well, the system diagnostic test said the memory test failed so, I'm gonna say "Yes", the RAM chip is verifiably bad.
HP: Sir, we can't replace the chip based upon the results of the diagnostic test.
Me: I see (why even supply it then?).
HP: Can you borrow a chip from a friend to confirm that the chip is the problem?
Me: Uh, hold on, let me check... Nooooo!
HP: Well, if you ship us the computer, we can verify the problem and repair it under warranty.
Me: (Cost to ship PC = $8, Time needed to repair and ship the PC back to me = unknown, My time = priceless) Nah, I don't think I want to do that. How 'bout I buy a new chip and if that fixes the problem, I send you the bad chip and you guys send me a replacement? That way, I get my computer fixed and double my RAM.
HP: OK, that sounds good.
Me: Thanks.
One day later...
HP: HP tech support, how may I help you?
Me: I spoke with a gentlemen yesterday who told me I could replace my bad RAM chip and send it to you for replacement.
HP: OK sir, just give me the serial number of your computer and we can lookup the part number of the RAM chip.
Me: It's *********
HP: Thank you, one moment... (elevator music) Uh sir, we can't seem to find the part number for the RAM in our database. Can you hold for a short while longer?
Me: Sure.
HP: Sir, I know why that part is not in our database. It is not a user-serviceable part.
Me: (On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, swapping a RAM chip in your computer is about a 0.5) Wait a sec, you mean to tell me the easiest item to replace in a computer is not user-serviceable?! But, the guy I spoke with yesterday told me it was OK to do this.
HP: I'm sorry sir but, he was wrong. If you ship us the computer, we can verify the problem and repair it under warranty.
Me: (Cost of new RAM chip = $35, My time = more than $35) Nah, I don't think I want to do that.